Despair and how I numb myself.

I always wonder if any of us lives with despair without some sort of numbing. The brain does all things crazy to keep us alive, and grief takes us under in seconds. Processing pain seems impossible to me. So I close it in a deep far corner of my soul, letting out only droplets at a time, dealing with shadows, reflections, suggestions.
I am not capable of feeling the emotions that drag me down, the wave seems to me a tsunami, destroying any joy, hope and faith I have.
So I float on the surface, enjoying my coffee, good food, pets, beer and music, vain and shallow existence, only to find myself from time to time longing for that thing that I cannot name and fearing things I don't know of.
Beautiful sounds of grunge music remind me of times and spaces I used to know and used to love. But - where are they? What are they? I better not ask.